questions for aurea
Dear aurea:
I am going to my first BDSM party, but I don't know what to wear. I am submissive. I don't have a Master. I'm not really sure what I'm into. Is there a certain way you are supposed to dress?
In and Out of the closet.
Dear Closet,
Congratulations on your choice to attend your first event. Yours is an honest question and one that everyone faces.

The first resource you should check is the organizer of the party. Is there an established dress code? Many larger events have rules like fetish dress-or formal wear required. Some accept lingerie, some don't. Some are more lax.

In some areas, there is a standard something like Dominants wear black, submissives wear light colors or pastels. Some equate only black with scene wear. Some have expectations of red for Dominatrices, These attitudes make it difficult for anyone not knowing your circumstances to tell you what is appropriate. Many of the standards of everyday dress apply.

Wear something you can be comfortable with. A Dominant may require specific dress of a submissive, however, if you are not collared, it is up to your discretion.

Are you comfortable showing your body Are you seeking a lot of attention, or more interested in going as an observer?

Within the BDSM community, a lot of skin is common, and is usually appreciated! You won't encounter as many rude idiots coming on with lame one-iners, but it will happen. How you carry yourself is as important as how you dress. Clothes can be just as sexy as skin; it;s all in the attitude.

Wearing black may be safest for a first timer. If people assume you are Dominant, they will be more apt to treat you with respect. Unfortunately, there are Dominants in the scene who feel all Dominants should be submissive to them. If you receive unsolicited advances, they would be more apt to be from submissives who want to serve you, rather than from Dominants thinking you are submissive.

Even if you feel ready to take any advances or opportunities that come along, for your first party, maintaining distance and retaining control will be in your best interest.


Dear aurea:
i have finally connected with a really great Dom. We met online, have spoken at length on the phone, and finally met for drinks, He has years of experience and says He is highly respected in the BDSM community,

Our next meeting is to be our first scene. He says that from the time He picks me up, i will be totally under His control. i am to be ready as He ordered me to dress and have a blindfold ready.

He said i should buy wrist and ankle cuffs and be wearing them. i can't believe i finally found someone like Him and really hope i can please Him. Can you tell me where to find cuffs like He is looking for?

~~~shivering in antici ...pation
Dear Shivers:
My first act would be to try and slap the stars from your eyes.

I can say that from what you've told me, I wish you hadn't found someone like Him! Now that opinion is based on years of observing the cyber scene, but no actual knowledge of the Dom you are referring to.

Has he given you any references? Have you checked those references? Willingness to provide names from a hat doesn't prove anything unless you can talk with those named. Don't fall for hard luck storied about not wanting to open old wounds, or expose a contact, etc. If he is so highly respected and well known, He should easily be able to provide references.

There are also a lot of hopeful Dominants who have "been in the scene" for years, but never in real-life. Whether a Dom(me) is cyber, phone or pen-pal, there is no substitute for real-life experience. You did not say you have negotiated limits or safewords with this person. If you haven't, there is no way you should start with a blindfold or an assumption of bondage. Accept neither until you know a partner well, and know you can trust Hir, You could be risking your life.

In my experience it is most common for a Dom(me) to provide the preferred cuffs. In that way, the Top is using familiar items with known locking mechanisms and attachment points. The types and variety of cuffs are endless. If the Dom happens to be thinking He wants to see what you would select, He should take you shopping, explaining the differences as He knows them.

I would recommend that you slow down and see if He hangs in with you. IF He doesn't, ASSUME He's a *CHUDWAH and move on.

*Clueless Heterosexual Dominant Wannabe Horndog

Dear aurea:
I may be new, but I want to find a submissive. Everybody talks about leather clothes and fetish stuff, but I don't have any and right now, I don't know where to buy or what to start with.

People talk about making their own floggers and stuff, but I want to look good so a sub will trust me. The good floggers are all expensive, and the guys that make them to sell all say their's is best.

What can I use? How do I dress right to impress a submissive? I can talk to them okay on AOL, but they can't see me. So now, I have to look right.

Welcome MoMaster:
As shallow as it sounds, it is true that first impressions count, it is also true, especially in the scene community, that people will attempt to "read" you by the manner you dress and carry yourself. In that, I mean trying to visibly identify you as Dominant or submissive.

Leather is not required of anyone. Some people simply love the feel and smell of leather and it has historical roots in BDSM coming out into the community, As a safe rule of thumb, Dominants wear black. Be yourself whether it's in jeans or a suit, and your Dominant nature should come through. At the same time, don't assume that everyone wearing black is Dominant, many wear the black leather just because it looks nice and fetish-y. Apply all the social courtesies first, then apply fetish or scene considerations.

As for accessories, you can buy cheap handcuffs to hang from your belt for less than five dollars. NEVER use these on anyone, but they can be a signal in a scene crowd. For actual items you can scene with, inexpensive items are everywhere. The first thing you should remember is your body; your brain, your hand and your mouth.

Braided nylon rope, clothespins, shoestrings, chopstix and rubber bands are some of the common items that anyone can find, often in your own home. A wide variety of crops, quirts, slappers and other leather pieces can be found in tack stores for under $10. Listen to people who make or build "toys" whether you plan to buy or not. In explaining what's best about their product or why it is built in a certain manner, you will learn points to look for when shopping or even making your own.

Now that you are dressed, and have practiced with your small arsenal so you are sure, and won't hurt anyone accidentally, you are ready to introduce yourself. Remember to exercise the utmost courtesy when approaching a prospective submissive. You should first ask if he/she is free to talk, and if the answer is "yes" continue in polite conversation. If the answer is "no," or if someone steps in as that sub's Dominant, address any further comments to the Dominant. A wise step would be to complement the Dominant on having such a well-mannered sub. From that point, treat the encounter with the Dominant as any social meeting; play it how it feels. Walk away or engage in conversation.


Dear aurea:
I'm a relatively new sub, and I've heard a term used that I don't quite understand. What is "24/7?" It seems to me that different people use it to mean different things. I'm afraid a possible Master is going to ask me if I am whatever it means, and I'm terrified that I won't know how to answer.
Please help!
Dear Terrified:
The term "24/7" does indeed mean different things to different people. Every person, and every combination of people in a relationship will be different.

However, what is generally meant is that none of the parties involved drop their respective roles at any time. The Dominants are always dominant and the submissives are always submissive. The parties involved always remain in such modes, and never relate to one another as equals but always as Dom/me and sub.

This is handled much differently depending upon the dynamics of the participants, and the desires and talents of each. Some 24/7 relationships are much more strict than others. There is no one right way for everybody.

24/7 does not mean that the submissive is nothing but a slave. Some people assume that 24/7 means that the sub spends all of her time on her knees waiting for her Dom/me's commands. Actually, it means that in all things, whether at work, school, or out shopping, that the Dominant relationship is in force.

Perhaps it would be easier to contrast against another type of relationship, which is where the Dom/me and sub "go into" scene, often with a specific symbol or code, and after the scene is over, go on with their "normal" lives.

A 24/7 relationship is not for everyone. Many enjoy BDSM as a wonderful form of foreplay, or as something that they wish to experience occasionally. You should follow your own heart, and weigh the amount of trust you have in your Dominant to make every decision of your day. Weigh this very heavily and carefully before committing to any relationship, especially one of a 24/7 nature.


Dear aurea:
I was wondering what you could tell me about piercing. I see everyone else with piercings and a lot of talk about it online.

When do you get pierced first? What is the first thing you're supposed to have pierced? What's the significance of a ring instead of just a bead? Is there a special ritual or ceremony to get pierced? Do the Masters and Mistresses get pierced too?

Thank you, I know I am asking a lot.

-un-holey one
Dear Inquisitive One,
You do have a lot of questions, and I think, several misconceptions.

First, anyone interested in piercing should do their homework. Find a professional and ask all your questions. Professionals welcome sincere questions and often have materials to hand-out explaining types of piercings, healing issues, and potential problems. Ask people who have pierces for referrals. Don't be afraid to ask if they liked the experience of beng pierced, or what they might do differently if they had the chance.

Secondly, while it may be a practice within certain clubs or groups, piercing is a personal decision. It is not anything subject to scene-wide rules, protocols or conventions. Likewise, there is no ceremony other than what you or the piercer choose.

Remember that piercing is not exclusive to the BDSM scene. Also, any professional has heard the questions you might need to ask but that you are embarrassed to bring up. It is not uncommon for Dominants to be pierced, however it is their choice. It is a submissive's choice also, even if the Dominant wants it done. That's another point about seeking out a pro. A pro will recognize that the one to be pierced is not into the act as much as someone accompanying them, and will most probably ask questions themselves...

The ring or bead (probably barbell) is a difference in jewelry. Again, because of the different types of piercings this is a question best left to the piercer.

Persons with compromised immunities are not the best choice for piercing. While healing, and after that, the delicate tissue inside the pierce area can be broken, at which time infection is a risk. A professional will use disposable equipment wherever possible, as in contemporary health fields, and autoclave the rest. Make your piercer prove their sterility techniques, and it will be in both your favors. Be sure the piercer is willing to help you with aftercare of the piercing. If an infection or other problem arises, that would require a trip to a physician.

Piercings tend to make the pierced area more sensitive than ever before. They also might make additional attachment points (being careful not to overstress the site). They look great, and are often envied. Just remember. It is your decision, and you'll only want to go through with it after being open and exploring all your options.


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Dear aurea:

Dear aurea:

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